We're a hosting company with a FUCKING CHOPPER. Does YOUR crappy web host have that? No they goddamn don't. HOST WITH HOST CHOPPER OR WE'LL BLOW UP SOMETHING THAT IS DEAR TO YOU.

WEB HOSTING IS WAR. OUR DATACENTERS ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK FROM RIVAL HOSTING FACTIONS. We have a strike force of trained killers to protect our data centers from these terrorists. DOES GODADDY HAVE THAT? HELL NO.

WE HAVE A DATACENTER IN THE OCEAN. We can't say which one, for security reasons, BUT WE SAVE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY ON COOLING COSTS. Guess where those savings go? DIRECTLY TO CHOPPER FUEL.

WE HAVE A HIGHLY TRAINED SQUADRON OF KILLER LINUX PENGUINS READY TO ROUND UP HACKERS AND EXECUTE THEM. ALSO OUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS CARRY GUNS. REAL GUNS WITH BULLETS.

WE OFFER THREE SUPER-CONVENIENT HOSTING PLANS. The pricing is a bit odd because it needs to be converted to a currency accepted by warlords in an undisclosed third-world country. WE CAN'T SAY WHICH ONE BUT IT BEGINS WITH "S" AND ENDS WITH "OMALIA".
IS THIS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR TINY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND? We offer 24/7/365 sales and technical support.
JUST CALL:
1-865-2-CHOPPA
(1 - 8 6 5 - 2 2 4 - 6 7 7 2)
| SERVER | STATUS | REASON | ESTIMATED DOWNTIME |
| 12gauge.hostchopper.com | DOWN | STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS | FOREVER |
| ak47.hostchopper.com | UP | ||
| m16.hostchopper.com | DOWN | STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS | FOREVER |
| wizardfucker.hostchopper.com | DOWN | STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS | FOREVER |
HERE'S A SAMPLING OF OUR A+++ 10/10 SUPPORT:
Your server does not meet the requirements for Magento.The following requirements failed:
• PHP 5.2.0 (or greater)
• dom
• hash
• iconv
• pdo
• pdo_mysql
• simplexml
Also our PHP was compiled with only one option: --fuck-you-asshole
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
BTW, THIS IS THE SUPPORT DEPARTMENT. IF YOU HAVE GENERAL COMPLAINTS ABOUT OUR SERVICE, PLEASE DIRECT THEM TO EATADICK@NOBODYCARES.COM
TANGO CASH
OFFICER OF THE SMACK DOWN
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
In your defense, we didn't actually tell any of you guys about this, nor did we publish this in any kind of Knowledge Base area, but we still hate you for asking. We feel it should've been self-evident.
As long as we're coming clean here, I've also submitted your outgoing IP address to every RBL, SBL, ZBL, XBL, and any other BL in existence, so the chances of your shitty email actually getting through are slimmer than the genetic difference between your parents.
Also our SMTP banner is as follows:
"EHLO #!@$ FREE VIAGRA NARWHAL FUCKER $@!#"
Good luck,
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM


