HOST OR DIE !
We're a hosting company with a FUCKING CHOPPER. Does YOUR crappy web host have that? No they goddamn don't. HOST WITH HOST CHOPPER OR WE'LL BLOW UP SOMETHING THAT IS DEAR TO YOU.
WE'LL FUCK YOU UP!
WEB HOSTING IS WAR. OUR DATACENTERS ARE CONSTANTLY UNDER ATTACK FROM RIVAL HOSTING FACTIONS. We have a strike force of trained killers to protect our data centers from these terrorists. DOES GODADDY HAVE THAT? HELL NO.
SAVING YOU MONEY!
WE HAVE A DATACENTER IN THE OCEAN. We can't say which one, for security reasons, BUT WE SAVE A SHITLOAD OF MONEY ON COOLING COSTS. Guess where those savings go? DIRECTLY TO CHOPPER FUEL.
LICENSED TO KILL!
WE HAVE A HIGHLY TRAINED SQUADRON OF KILLER LINUX PENGUINS READY TO ROUND UP HACKERS AND EXECUTE THEM. ALSO OUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS CARRY GUNS. REAL GUNS WITH BULLETS.
PICK A HOSTING PLAN
WE OFFER THREE SUPER-CONVENIENT HOSTING PLANS. The pricing is a bit odd because it needs to be converted to a currency accepted by warlords in an undisclosed third-world country. WE CAN'T SAY WHICH ONE BUT IT BEGINS WITH "S" AND ENDS WITH "OMALIA".
IS THIS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR TINY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND? We offer 24/7/365 sales and technical support.
JUST CALL:
1-865-2-CHOPPA
(1 - 8 6 5 - 2 2 4 - 6 7 7 2)
WE OFFER THREE SUPER-CONVENIENT HOSTING PLANS. The pricing is a bit odd because it needs to be converted to a currency accepted by warlords in an undisclosed third-world country. WE CAN'T SAY WHICH ONE BUT IT BEGINS WITH "S" AND ENDS WITH "OMALIA".
IS THIS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR TINY BRAIN TO UNDERSTAND? We offer 24/7/365 sales and technical support.
JUST CALL:
1-865-2-CHOPPA
(1 - 8 6 5 - 2 2 4 - 6 7 7 2)
| SERVER | STATUS | REASON | ESTIMATED DOWNTIME |
| 12gauge.hostchopper.com | DOWN | STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS | FOREVER |
| ak47.hostchopper.com | UP | ||
| m16.hostchopper.com | DOWN | STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS | FOREVER |
| wizardfucker.hostchopper.com | UP | BROUGHT THIS THING BACK ONLINE 2 SEE 'BOUT DDoS-n SOME GOV'T BOXES! | SUCK IT! |
HERE'S A SAMPLING OF OUR A+++ 10/10 SUPPORT:
2010-02-24 19:09:06Ticket number 7130 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: account is not let me in no
account is not letting me do the thing with the loading. if push can send button say "reset password" will passrod be setted?
Tyra | Account number 4334
2010-02-24 20:51:04REPLY FROM: NOVEMBERRE: account is not let me in no
HOLY SHIT... COULD YOUR ENGLISH BE ANY MORE BROKEN? IT REMINDS ME OF A VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY AFTER FALLING DOWN ABOUT 12 FLIGHTS OF STAIRS AND THEN BEING CRUSHED IN THE ASS-END OF A GARBAGE TRUCK!
YOU COULD USE A PASSROD WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE! I'LL HAVE TANGO CONTACT YOU, HE'S INTO SODOMY AND OTHER KINKY SHIT.
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
YOU COULD USE A PASSROD WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE! I'LL HAVE TANGO CONTACT YOU, HE'S INTO SODOMY AND OTHER KINKY SHIT.
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
2010-02-24 11:08:50Ticket number 4167 | Killing_of_Sea_MammalsSUBJ: WANT!
I think you should make T-shirts so I can show how awesome my little boy has grown up to be!
P.S. Dont be late for dinner.
~Mom
P.S. Dont be late for dinner.
~Mom
Your Mom | Account number 2903
2010-02-24 20:45:18REPLY FROM: NOVEMBERRE: WANT!
"YOUR MOM"? YOU SIGNED THIS "YOUR MOM"? DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB! HUMOR IS NOT YOUR STRONG SUIT.
[INSERT SEGUEWAY THAT INDICATES THAT I DON'T HATE YOU... OR... THIS...]
LIKE KISS, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE HOSTCHOPPER EVERYTHING! SHIRTS/ACTION FIGURES/BRAS/COFFINS, ETC. BASED ON YOUR INSOLENCE, I'M THINKING YOU SHOULD SKIP STRAIGHT TO THE HC COFFIN. WHAT'S YOUR SIZE?
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
[INSERT SEGUEWAY THAT INDICATES THAT I DON'T HATE YOU... OR... THIS...]
LIKE KISS, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE HOSTCHOPPER EVERYTHING! SHIRTS/ACTION FIGURES/BRAS/COFFINS, ETC. BASED ON YOUR INSOLENCE, I'M THINKING YOU SHOULD SKIP STRAIGHT TO THE HC COFFIN. WHAT'S YOUR SIZE?
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
2010-01-27 11:55:22Ticket number 3168 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: hosting down
Hey, what happened to the wizardfucker server? Why the fuck did you turn it off? I had all my shit in there. You guys suck bad. Maybe if you stopped boning the previous' guy's mom and get to work, you could actually get shit done, you bunch of pricks.
Some Guy | Account number 2427
2010-02-27 12:59:43REPLY FROM: NOVEMBERRE: hosting down
WE FUCKING GUARANTEE PRECISELY 33.3333333% UPTIME AND WE HAVE DELIVERED ON THAT PROMISE, YOU BASTARD! TAKE IT BACK! DO WE HAVE TO KILL YOU? WE ARE KINDA BUSY, SO WE WOULD PREFER NOT TO HAVE TO FLY TO YOUR DERELICT LITTLE TOWN JUST TO DE-PANTS YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR BAR BUDDIES (WHO ARE PROBABLY IN-THE-CLOSET HOMOS ANYHOW) AND THEN KILL YOU, DEXTER-STYLE, IN AN ABANDONED BARN, NEXT TO A LARGE CLUSTER OF RABBIT DROPPINGS.
WHO IS "THE PREVIOUS GUY", AND WHO IS HIS MOM? WAIT A SECOND, WHO AM I KIDDING? WE PROBABLY DID BANG WHOMEVER THE HELL YOU ARE REFERRING TO. DON'T WORRY, WE HAVE PEONS LIKE YOU TO ADDRESS MUNDANE TASKS LIKE CAT5 CABLING AND KERNEL UPDATING!
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
WHO IS "THE PREVIOUS GUY", AND WHO IS HIS MOM? WAIT A SECOND, WHO AM I KIDDING? WE PROBABLY DID BANG WHOMEVER THE HELL YOU ARE REFERRING TO. DON'T WORRY, WE HAVE PEONS LIKE YOU TO ADDRESS MUNDANE TASKS LIKE CAT5 CABLING AND KERNEL UPDATING!
-NOVEMBER
CHIEF EXECUTIVE WIZARD
SERIOUS MASTURBATOR
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
PRIVATE NOTE: I REALLY SAID IT ALL THIS TIME...
2009-12-10 15:30:40Ticket number 1996 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: My server needs this stuff.
What's the scoop? My server can't be missing all of this stuff.
Your server does not meet the requirements for Magento.The following requirements failed:
• PHP 5.2.0 (or greater)
• dom
• hash
• iconv
• pdo
• pdo_mysql
• simplexml
Your server does not meet the requirements for Magento.The following requirements failed:
• PHP 5.2.0 (or greater)
• dom
• hash
• iconv
• pdo
• pdo_mysql
• simplexml
Don | Account number 1068
2009-12-16 16:04:14REPLY FROM: INDIA MIKERE: My server needs this stuff.
Thanks for your inquiry. I notice you are ticket #1996. This is interesting because it marks the first year I boned your mom.
Also our PHP was compiled with only one option: --fuck-you-asshole
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
Also our PHP was compiled with only one option: --fuck-you-asshole
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
PRIVATE NOTE: We should probably upgrade from PHP 2 this year.
2009-11-25 00:22:56Ticket number 6371 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: I accidentally my hosting
someone told me to run sudo rm -rf / on my webserver to make it more faster but it asked for a password which was wang and my sites dont work no more pls help
Dom | Account number 4124
2009-12-16 16:05:24REPLY FROM: INDIA MIKERE: I accidentally my hosting
Accidentally what?
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
PRIVATE NOTE: There is only ONE CORRECT ANSWER HERE AND YOU BETTER GIVE IT
2009-12-16 16:08:43REPLY FROM: DomRE: I accidentally my hosting
my hosting
2009-12-16 16:09:15REPLY FROM: INDIA MIKERE: I accidentally my hosting
HAHA YES, HOLY FUCK. YOU WIN FREE HOSTING FOR LIFE.
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
INDIA MIKE
CTW
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
2009-09-11 17:06:37Ticket number 2578 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: shits fcked up!!
Your service sucks, your hosting is always down. A monkey, a donkey, and a 1-eyed asshole could make a more reliable server. WTF
Cash Money | Account number 416
2009-09-18 16:19:50REPLY FROM: TangoRE: shits fcked up!!
WE WERE GOING TO HIRE A 1-EYED ASSHOLE, BUT WE WERE TOO BUSY PLUGGING YOUR MOM'S.
BTW, THIS IS THE SUPPORT DEPARTMENT. IF YOU HAVE GENERAL COMPLAINTS ABOUT OUR SERVICE, PLEASE DIRECT THEM TO EATADICK@NOBODYCARES.COM
TANGO CASH
OFFICER OF THE SMACK DOWN
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
BTW, THIS IS THE SUPPORT DEPARTMENT. IF YOU HAVE GENERAL COMPLAINTS ABOUT OUR SERVICE, PLEASE DIRECT THEM TO EATADICK@NOBODYCARES.COM
TANGO CASH
OFFICER OF THE SMACK DOWN
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
PRIVATE NOTE: NOTE TO SELF: CRAIGSLIST ADD FOR TWO-EYED ASSHOLE NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN ASAP
2009-09-07 18:37:36Ticket number 5701 | Tech_SupportSUBJ: email
I am having trouble with smpt, what is the port 25 or 995?
Jack | Account number 954
2009-09-08 19:53:46REPLY FROM: INDIA MIKERE: email
Pay attention, homo. It's port :6969.
In your defense, we didn't actually tell any of you guys about this, nor did we publish this in any kind of Knowledge Base area, but we still hate you for asking. We feel it should've been self-evident.
As long as we're coming clean here, I've also submitted your outgoing IP address to every RBL, SBL, ZBL, XBL, and any other BL in existence, so the chances of your shitty email actually getting through are slimmer than the genetic difference between your parents.
Also our SMTP banner is as follows:
"EHLO #!@$ FREE VIAGRA NARWHAL FUCKER $@!#"
Good luck,
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
In your defense, we didn't actually tell any of you guys about this, nor did we publish this in any kind of Knowledge Base area, but we still hate you for asking. We feel it should've been self-evident.
As long as we're coming clean here, I've also submitted your outgoing IP address to every RBL, SBL, ZBL, XBL, and any other BL in existence, so the chances of your shitty email actually getting through are slimmer than the genetic difference between your parents.
Also our SMTP banner is as follows:
"EHLO #!@$ FREE VIAGRA NARWHAL FUCKER $@!#"
Good luck,
INDIA MIKE
CHIEF TECHNICAL WIZZZZZARD
HOSTCHOPPER.COM
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